Unravelled

I have this adorable leopard print kimono since they’re all the rage right now and I’m the queen of fashion. Ok, not really but I do love me some leopard print. Kimonos are so versatile-wear them with jeans or shorts or leggings. Can we say love?

Anyway, it has this fringe around the bottom that I’m constantly snagging on things. I’ve actually snagged myself so bad it literally stopped me in my tracks, whipping my various body parts in opposite directions. Now there’s a video that would go viral.

And now there’s a teeny little place where my fringe seems to be coming unravelled. It’s just a small spot really. And I need to find time to fix it but I keep wearing it because 1) it’s so cute and 2) the whole “it goes with everything” thing.

Even though I know that it just takes a little spot to start off the unravelling that becomes the undoing that becomes the big gaping hole.

I’m struggling with this.

I guess you know by now I’m no longer talking about the kimono. 

I’m talking about me.

It’s as if I have to hold myself together so much and so hard and so well that sometimes when a teeny little piece, hardly even noticeable, starts coming undone, it can be the beginning of a major meltdown on my part.

Even when that tiny piece gives way to several other spots that create a chasm that would make the Grand Canyon jealous, I try to plow forward. Don’t stop. Keep pressing on.

Until I can’t.

Today seems to be one of those days. I’ve put my happy face on for my children and my Mr. Wonderful for a few days now, all the while knowing things were slowly coming untied and untethered. And now, at the breaking point, I find that it’s quiet and lonesome, probably as it should be due to the happy face mask I wear sometimes.

I am a real person with real heart pains and brokenness and things left undone. I am not at my best; in fact, I’m really at my least right this minute.

Oh I know things will turn around. I know I need to spend some time pondering the source of my unravelling and begin to sew it up with mindful self care, gratitude, love for myself and others. 

I know what I need to do; I’m just too worn to do it right now.

I’m tired and rambling and just ready for relief. From the To Do List, the jobs, the kids, the PTSD, the technology, My Pink Champagne Life (today it’s tasting more like a whiskey sour, that’s all I’m saying). 

All of it is weighing on me and that curve in the road I talked about earlier today is just looming before me. 

Where is my faith?

Where is the end of this unravelling? 

Where is the me who dreams in rainbows and unicorns? Butterflies and fairies? Whose cup isn’t half full but full to overflowing? Who wears rose-colored glasses and tries to pass them out to everyone around her, like 3D glasses at a movie theatre?

She seems to have left the building in search of her rainbow.

  
(Photo credit Meredith Shafer 2015) ©Copyright Meredith Shafer 2015)

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19 thoughts on “Unravelled

  1. Oh Meredith!!!! Hugs and more hugs! As you say, you know what to do. Breathe, relax. So many thins to do right? Just do what you can for now. Tomorrow do what you can again. Top priority yourself, family. Then the rest follows. Have a glass of champagne! Take it easy friend! We all feel worn out. Rejuvinate. Revive. Takes time.

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  2. Remember to cut yourself some slack. Honestly, you don’t have to do everything on your list right this second. Pick a few easy ones to start, take small steps, one at a time, minute by minute. I suspect in no time you will feel a bit less anxious and things will start coming together. And if that doesn’t work, grab a glass of wine, and lock yourself in a warm bubble bath for a few hours, I’m sure that will help calm your nerves!
    Sending you love my friend and hoping tomorrow is happier and calmer then today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I needed that encouragement so much! I really just chucked it all, went to bed and thankfully, woke up to sunshine🌞. Mr. Wonderful left Tuesday and will be gone a couple more days, but I’m going to put on my big girl panties and a smile and get to gettin’:) Thank you for the love and for blessing me with your friendship!

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  3. I am out of coffee. Literally. How could this happen?! It’s still pouring rain. Someone fire the maid! Off with her head! Oh. Wait. I’m the maid. Fire me! That’s a great idea. You fire me, I’ll fire you and we can Thelma and Louise it to Mexico for marguritas. 🙂
    I hope your day today is nothing but joy and rainbows, or at least hot coffee and sunshine!
    Now, to go to the store *groan

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  4. I agree with My Perfect Breakdown! Lock everyone out of the bathroom and soak in the bath with a glass of something lovely and a trashy book. Do try and get some time for you – a massage, a walk in the sunshine, a piece of your favourite cake that you don’t have to share 🙂 Recharge your spirit. Tomorrow is a chance to start again x

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    • Did the bath soak-I love how we all think alike and use that as our sanctuary! Mamas of the world unite! We have sunshine today so I will be enjoying it and trying to just. Let. Go. And breathe. And smile. And get some cake for heaven’s sake-great idea! Thank you for taking the time to help prop me up, I appreciate your kind words:)

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  5. Hello. I had to come visit your blog since you were so kind to comment on mine. We seem to be in parallel struggles. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    I’m so in awe of how you express your “unraveling”.

    I encourage you to keep your eyes on your family, and know that there are good days coming.
    My faith tells me that I’m not going through this for no reason, but when I come through on the other side, I will be somehow better. Maybe I will more compassionate? Maybe I be will able to encourage someone else? Maybe I will just appreciate people, and myself more? I don’t know yet. It kinda sucks going through. I just don’t want to lay down in the middle of the sucky part.

    But I believe that someone who has a beautiful talent like yours has to have something good coming their way!
    I look forward to reading about your triumph.
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a kind and wonderful comment! Thank you for taking the time to do that and I’m glad you know you’re not alone:) I’m a hot mess but I’ll keep on keeping on. My faith, too, is what I lean into in moments like these-yesterday was just rough. Thank you for returning my eyes to where they need to be focused and for being so positive-it was just what I needed!! Thanks for stopping by, please come back anytime!!

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  6. Just a thought…is it possible it’s the aftermath of your girls retreat? The enemy is trying to undue the work that was done with the ladies and yourself bc it was that good? If that is a possibility, how about you squash him like a bug? Perfect way is to just let it all go and give it to the Lord. Let Him take it and do with it as He sees fit. All the while, you just sit back – blare praise songs and soak in His presence. Let Him rain over you, let Him mend the broken and worn down Meredith and renew your mind. All you have to do is say yes. That simple. I declare peace, joy, love and restoration over you. He really does love you so much even beyond what you have felt thus far. He adores your willingness to be obedient to Him and cherishes your giving heart. Now He wants to return the blessing but it requires you to stop and be still. Many blessings Meredith!

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