Unravelled

I have this adorable leopard print kimono since they’re all the rage right now and I’m the queen of fashion. Ok, not really but I do love me some leopard print. Kimonos are so versatile-wear them with jeans or shorts or leggings. Can we say love?

Anyway, it has this fringe around the bottom that I’m constantly snagging on things. I’ve actually snagged myself so bad it literally stopped me in my tracks, whipping my various body parts in opposite directions. Now there’s a video that would go viral.

And now there’s a teeny little place where my fringe seems to be coming unravelled. It’s just a small spot really. And I need to find time to fix it but I keep wearing it because 1) it’s so cute and 2) the whole “it goes with everything” thing.

Even though I know that it just takes a little spot to start off the unravelling that becomes the undoing that becomes the big gaping hole.

I’m struggling with this.

I guess you know by now I’m no longer talking about the kimono. 

I’m talking about me.

It’s as if I have to hold myself together so much and so hard and so well that sometimes when a teeny little piece, hardly even noticeable, starts coming undone, it can be the beginning of a major meltdown on my part.

Even when that tiny piece gives way to several other spots that create a chasm that would make the Grand Canyon jealous, I try to plow forward. Don’t stop. Keep pressing on.

Until I can’t.

Today seems to be one of those days. I’ve put my happy face on for my children and my Mr. Wonderful for a few days now, all the while knowing things were slowly coming untied and untethered. And now, at the breaking point, I find that it’s quiet and lonesome, probably as it should be due to the happy face mask I wear sometimes.

I am a real person with real heart pains and brokenness and things left undone. I am not at my best; in fact, I’m really at my least right this minute.

Oh I know things will turn around. I know I need to spend some time pondering the source of my unravelling and begin to sew it up with mindful self care, gratitude, love for myself and others. 

I know what I need to do; I’m just too worn to do it right now.

I’m tired and rambling and just ready for relief. From the To Do List, the jobs, the kids, the PTSD, the technology, My Pink Champagne Life (today it’s tasting more like a whiskey sour, that’s all I’m saying). 

All of it is weighing on me and that curve in the road I talked about earlier today is just looming before me. 

Where is my faith?

Where is the end of this unravelling? 

Where is the me who dreams in rainbows and unicorns? Butterflies and fairies? Whose cup isn’t half full but full to overflowing? Who wears rose-colored glasses and tries to pass them out to everyone around her, like 3D glasses at a movie theatre?

She seems to have left the building in search of her rainbow.

  
(Photo credit Meredith Shafer 2015) ©Copyright Meredith Shafer 2015)