4:36 A.M.

I never have trouble sleeping. Yet here I am, two hours til wake up and I can’t seem to turn everything off. Shut it down. Let it go.

Any other insomniacs out there?

If so, I’m sorry-this is terrible! Knowing you need your precious sleep but not being able to get it because your brain is wrapped around something so hard and so tight that there’s no hope of dislodging it anytime soon.

I thought if I wrote for a bit maybe it would help ease me back to center. I’ve been a little off balance lately. Not so much as anyone in my world would even notice. Just enough that it feels like I’m leaning. 

My life is amazing folks. I’m grateful for every breath I take, every heartbeat, every moment that I get with my four healthy loud rambunctious kids. Every date night with Mr. Wonderful. Every meal I eat, night I sleep in my own bed and paycheck I receive.

Things are good. No, things are great. Mr. Wonderful is home, sleeping peacefully beside me. He has been feeling good enough to drive fancy horse trailers from Point A to Point B to help earn extra money to take care of our family.

I’m not even sure my early morning ramblings will make sense, but I just feel off. Like there’s an invisible wire that runs through me and the current that is zinging and arcing along it now is worry. Worry about my seven year old who has a heart bigger than most grownups but who struggles with sensory issues and fine motor skills and outbursts when things get too overwhelming for him.

I have a sliver of worry for Mr. Wonderful. He’s so much better now. I guess I still have scars that are still healing from 2013 when he was so not ok and when life unraveled so quickly and so horrifically that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. That year seems like it tilted my whole world and though we have healed and moved forward and learned and experienced growth and found joy and love and hope again, I’ve never been righted completely since then.

Maybe that’s how traumatic or difficult or even wonderful times are supposed to work. Maybe they’re supposed to catch you off guard and leave you breathless and give you a case of life vertigo. One that occasionally flares up, leaving you grabbing for something to lean on until you get your bearings.

I have been looking for my wall to lean into lately. My rock. My steadying hand. Though I haven’t tried to use another human being for this purpose as it might send them careening off their own trajectory, I’ve been going about it all wrong. I should lean in to my faith during good times and bad. Really press in close to the one who brings comfort and healing and hope.

Instead, I’ve been trying to do this all on my own.

When will I learn? I’m such a puny human as my seven year old Avenger watching, hero-wanna-be boy would say. 

And he would be right.

Because I am weak. I am flawed. I am tired and I can’t ever seem to find my keys. I am a hot mess and an impatient fool at times. But all I have to do is turn around and ask for help from the one who is ever present. The calm in the storm. The only one who can right me.

So I think I’ll go do that. So I can join the land of dreams and rest and renewal. Have a good sleep and an even better tomorrow! (Photo credit livelifehappy.com) ©Copyright Meredith Shafer 2015

I would love to connect with you on Facebook or Instagram at My Pink Champagne Life or Twitter @MyPinkChampLife. Swing by and say hello!

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10 thoughts on “4:36 A.M.

  1. Oh my….praying for you and your family, and the fullness of Gods Grace, Comfort, Provision, and Peace. I haven’t been on Facebook for a few years, but I might have to revisit again to keep in touch. You aren’t alone. I’m so happy your faith is so completely in your focus.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Meredith I know this feeling all too well. I wish I could say otherwise. However, like I’ve always wrote about – the mind plays a powerful role in these situations and you are absolutely right about leaning completely on Him. Although you may have had some lost sleep, the more important part of your night was when you realized exactly who you needed. I don’t think a little worry or a little lost sleep is too big for Him because He’s bigger and more powerful than we understand. I have a feeling He will overwhelm you with his love, peace and grace today and the days that follow because He loves you that much. There truly is so much favor over you and the incredible thing about all of it is that He trusts you. He trusts you to speak into the lives of others. He trusts you to raise those precious children that are more His than yours. He trusts you to be a part of the journey Mr Wonderful walks and that you will continually support and have faith in God’s plan for Him – plans to prosper and not harm. Meredith, you are His beloved daughter and He will strengthen you in times of need because “when you are weak, then you are strong”. By the way – GOOD MORNING! TODAY IS AND WILL BE AN AMAZING DAY! Many blessings. Your loving sister in Christ!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I hope you were finally able to get a bit of sleep so that your tomorrow (now today) is a bit easier.
    As for the lasting impacts of trauma, I think trauma changes us. I think unexpected trauma is even harder because we don’t have time to brace ourselves. That said, I don’t think trauma has to ruin us, if we don’t let it. I think it does throw us of kilter, and I also believe we never go back to being the exact same person we were before the event, whatever the event was. Ultimately, it will leave lasting marks on our souls, it will forever alter our perspective, and it will forever be etched into our hearts. Yes, some days will be harder then others, but I do believe for the most part we can choose how to live in the aftermath of trauma.
    Sending you love my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh girl, how I appreciate those words! I needed to read them and be encouraged by them and let them remind me that the things that happen to us don’t define us but can refine us. And that these things that were originally meant to be stumbling blocks can be my stepping stones to healing and better things and ways to give hope to others if I let them. Thank you for that inspiration!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Meredith! I know exactly what you mean. I feel like this often, and I don’t know why. I really think it’s because we are female. We worry. We do lots and then not think it’s enough. We don’t sleep properly because we are always thinking or worrying about the next day. Sometimes we just need that breather, or need to put our feet up a bit. You obviously have a great family and that’s all that matters. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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